Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D., is the author of Emotionally Healthy Twins a pioneering book which describes a practical set of guidelines for raising emotionally healthy multiples based on treating them more as individuals instead of always as a pair.

DUB:  Dr. Friedman, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today about your bestselling twins book, Emotionally Healthy Twins.  It's a popular book here at Double Up Books and twin moms and dads are certainly interested in learning more about twin psychology.  Tell us about yourself and how you became interested in writing this book?

JF:  Growing up as an identical twin in the 50’s was a rarity.  My sister Jane and I attracted much attention, which had its advantages and disadvantages.  When I went off to college and separated from Jane for the first time in seventeen years, I realized how much my twin experience had interfered with my capacity to be on my own as a “singleton”.

In retrospect, I came to appreciate how vital it is for twins to have a sense of their own identity in order to exist comfortably with or without their twin.  In the years that followed as I pursued my psychology studies, I consistently searched for a book to help me understand my twin development and upbringing.

Sadly, the few in depth psychological studies only made reference to extremely disturbed twin relationships.   My research studies in the 80’s considered whether or not parents of twins were changing their perspectives about raising twins in light of the emerging research and literature about the importance of treating twins as individuals.  However, the driving impetus to eventually write Emotionally Healthy Twins was the birth of my fraternal twin sons.   I was a 40 year old mother of three wanting just one more baby!!

DUB: Your book is so much more than just the basics of raising twins, you are a pioneer in the field of the emotional lives of twins.  One of your parenting philosophies is to treat twins as individuals.  What are the rewards to the twins when parents adopt this approach? 

JF:  My experience growing up as a twin definitively informed how I raised Jonny and David.  I facilitated support groups for moms of twins to share my experiences and beliefs.  Emotionally Healthy Twins is a culmination of those many years along with my knowledge of attachment theory, child development, and the practical everyday challenges of parenting twins.

I am a pioneer in the realm of twin education in the sense that my parenting philosophy stresses two primary messages: first, the importance of giving twins repeated opportunities for separation from their twin so that they learn how to be masterful “singletons”; second, the primary emphasis on parents spending alone time with each twin so that they feel confidently attached to two unique children.

These requisites help parents feel comfortable making appropriate decisions for each child and counteracts the “power of two” that often makes parents feel left out and powerless to feel connected and in control of their twins.

DUB:  In addition to your formal training as a psychotherapist, how has being a twin yourself helped you to raise your own twins? 

JF:  My experience being a twin has shaped my passion to deconstruct what I term the “twin mystique” -  the common perspectives about twins conceived by public opinion, media, movies, etc. that define “legitimate twins” as life long intimate ESP bound soul mates destined to be best friends who cannot survive without the other.

Without a doubt, the twin bond is special and unique and, for many twins, their sibling is one of the most important persons in their life.  Nevertheless, my wish to undo stereotypic thinking about twins is based upon my experience that these preconceived notions interfere with healthy child-rearing decisions.  If parents expect twins to be life long companions who never fight, who have to take care of each other, and who do not want to be separated, they run the risk of nurturing unhealthy relationships.

Parents need guidance and reassurance about the fact that twins who are given opportunities to be separate from one another from time to time will develop a robust intimacy rather than a crippling closeness.

DUB:  Your book is one of the very few that talks about twins as teenagers and young adults.  What special advice can you share with parents of twins in this age group?

JF:  Adolescence and young adulthood are exceedingly important developmental periods for twins because it is during this time frame that separation and individuation are viewed as crucial measures of psychological well-being. Sadly, many pairs of twins are woefully ill-prepared for these challenges because their parents have not been proactive about or aware of the need for individuality.

I have been in contact with so many parents of twins that have been shocked, grieved, unsupportive, and angry about their twins’ needs and desires for separateness –often experiencing this divisiveness as a parental failure.  Instead of recognizing the importance of nurturing an individual identity, some parents make their twins feel guilty or wrong if one wants to venture out on his own.

Moreover, if twins do not want to attend the same college, parents may sabotage their desire to be apart because the parents need them to stay together to legitimize their status as parents of twins.  Frequently people inquire why my sons do not attend the same university.  From my perspective I am shocked and surprised that this would be everyone’s expectation.    Each of our sons has relished his own college experience, and the summers they spend together are filled with enjoyment and spontaneity.

DUB:  You have a chapter dealing specifically on fathering twins.  How is fathering twins different for dads than fathering one child?

JF:  I have learned in my many years of working with new moms of twins that the marital relationship is crucially tested with the birth of twins.  Mothers of twins feel abandoned and overwhelmed owing to a complicated set of variables that are discussed in my book.  As a result, the role of husband and father in those early months after the twins’ birth becomes fraught with intense conflict, resentment, and profound disappointment.

I have saved many a marriage because I have been able to educate moms about how to appreciate their husbands’ efforts even though they “feel” inconsequential and inadequate.  As the twins get older, a father’s ability to nurture his own special relationship with each twin is a wonderful opportunity since both children need that special one-on-one time with mom and dad.

DUB:  What are you currently working on in regards to the study and treatment of the emotional lives of twins or twins-related issues? 

JF:  Currently, I am writing a book about adult twins.  I am interested to learn how different parenting styles have contributed to the emotional development of twins. Learning why certain twins experience their twinship as troublesome or difficult will help future parents avoid pitfalls or difficulties. I would be interested in hearing from adult twins 24 years of age and older who would like to share their twin experiences.  Contact me at jafriedmanphd@emotionallyhealthytwins.com.

Dr. Friedman, thank you for such thoughtful answers.  You know you can count on us when your next book is published.  It sounds like groundbreaking research.

Readers can also learn more about Dr. Friedman by visiting her website http://www.emotionallyhealthytwins.com/ or blog http://www.emotionallyhealthytwinsblog.com/.

To learn more about or to buy your copy of Emotionally Healthy Twins.